With much trepidation recently had a little talk with my mother on a subject I had not breached with her before. Her future Death and Burial. Surprising that I knew little about my mothers thoughts on this. I had my own speculations but they were extremely vague. I know that she has deep roots of Catholicism and a belief in reincarnation. Being her power of attorney I knew she wanted to be cremated. Some Christians are against cremation and some are not. My aunt being one that is against it. I asked my mom if she wanted my aunt to do the funeral for her and she got a scowl on her face and emphatically said, “No way!” and told me to be sure she was cremated. Upon further inquiry she informed me that she wanted an Irish Wake for a funeral, not a boring religious ceremony. Also she thought it would be nice to come back as her cat that had died a few years ago.
This made me think a bit about my own mortality and realize that I have not spelled this out in a legal way for my friends and family so they do not need to have the task of deciding for me. Better get on that! It would be interesting to do the Tibetan method known as Jhator or otherwise known as a Sky Burial. Hmm...
That all being said, I am wondering about any other folks and their conversations with their aging parents in regard to their death and burial. How did it go? Was it hard to do? How did you feel?
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8 comments:
Kudos to you for having this conversation, Nino. It's a discussion that happens far too infrequently. Mary and I often encounter situations wherein we get a call *after* circumstances have moved into crisis. The penalty in terms of emotional distress and bad planning are so high in comparison to the much lower discomfort of having the conversation early, when things can be agreed upon and planned in advance. You're doing it right, dude.
At my mother's funeral, as her life stories were being told, I realized that most of the people in the room would not be at my future funeral. I am the youngest by a long shot and probably will have no living immediate family when I die to tell my stories. That is when I decided to write my own obituary or at least the pieces from my childhood in Iowa. Having moved West at age 21, most of my chosen family here would not know those stories so I preserved some of them on paper. Namaste
It's a tough subject for sure! I'm struggling with this exact thing now- first the driving issue, then the end-of-life issues. My inquiry was not well received by half of my folks. The other half seems more willing to discuss. Good luck Nino! I try to remind myself to be fair, gentle and loving, even if I'm running into a brick wall.
Being with my mom while she went thru the death gate was an honor. She knew she was dying and made sure she thanked all of us (her daughters) seperately for what we had done for her. Each of us took our time apologizing for any wrong doings to her in our life together, and then thanking her for all her love and for being our mom. It was truly a privalidge to be with her during her passing. She didn't want a funeral. She wanted her ashes spread in the ocean. She didn't want any speeches at her memorial service, so we invited everyone at the condo to come and share food and individual stories about her. It was a peaceful and quiet time.
Watching her die and saying goodbye was by far the hardest part of the process for me. Once she passed, and her pain was gone, it was much easier to handle.
Amazing experience. Lots of love.
I found myself missing her this weekend. It was 7 mos on Friday when she passed.
Thank you all so much for sharing your thoughts. They are all helpful to be in this matter. It's all new to me as we all have just one mother and they get old only once.. Many blessings.
Good for you, Nino.
My mom had everything set up with The Cremation Society of Idaho before she became ill. That helped quite a bit when she passed.
So, last fall I thought that I'd do the same thing. So I've been to the Cremation Society (on Overland Road) to pick up the paperwork so that it will be done ahead of time. I think that it will make it more simple. They will pick up my body if it's within 35 miles of Boise and take care of it and help out my family.
They even have cards to put on the fridge or in my wallet so that no one will have to look up their number.
It's something we all get to do, so it's not a bad idea to be able to talk about it. I've yet to write my obit. and am not certain that I will. hmmmm
Oh Nino, my siblings and I were so unconventionally raised, that when my momma died, we didn't have any traditions to follow. We made something up that involved eating and singing. I always knew my mom, but I never really knew Sandra.
A year later, I got the opportunity to sit with other people's mom's at the end of their lives and LISTEN to them tell their story. And I wrote. And listened. And wrote.... and learned that it is best to live as though I am living my final days.
We don't talk of death in this culture, as if by avoiding the discussion, death won't exist. Death is the compliment to life. It is a sacred part of our day-to-day. It is only frightening because it is kept in a dark closed closet under the stairs. Surely an apple doesn't nourish us while it is still on the tree...
What a fortunate moment you had with your momma. Do you talk about your final days with the people around you?
....I don't mean to go on, but saving the discussion of death until our loved ones are old would have done no good for my friend who died at 33.
Death is the only thing that stays beside us our whole life. It is our comfort and companion; our conscious and our caution. How is it we have decided never to befriend this partner?
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